Dating

CS Lewis described 4 kinds of love. One of these is Eros, the love between a man and a woman. Though many people have debated the source of such love, or what that love is, few people argue that it exists.

So the question is, why does it exist? Why would God want us to have romantic love?

Most people will look at this in a fairly utilitarian fashion and say "So that we could have babies." Now clearly children do better in a family with both a mom and a dad. Clearly too, they come from sex. But did it have to be this way?

God could have made us capable of procreating in any number of ways. We could have been like an amoeba- your walking down the street one day, suddenly "Oh, I have a splitting headache" Slurp Pop "I'm beside myself!". Or we could have been like flowers. Giant insects could come and rest on our faces and gather pollen, then fly off and find some female and deposit the pollen, and she could get pregnant.

But God created romantic love, and sex. God was not bound to this structure, so he must have created it for a reason.

It is also found that while God calls some people to be celibate, and to serve the Church in that way, the vast majority of people are called to marriage. Now while it's possible that some people are simply not listening to the call, if indeed God calls most people to marriage, than this must be a very valuable thing in deed, and it must be sanctifying.

The thing with romantic love and marriage is that it teaches us what love is really about. There is this silly notion that people should get married when they feel like they are in love, and that when they no longer feel 'that lovin' feeling', they ought to break it off. But clearly this goes against marriage as a sacrament, and the fact that they made vows to each other.

Love is a virtue, not a feeling. So marriage shows us how to love in the way that God actually intends. Ephesians 5 says "Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the Church."

How did Christ love the Church? He died for it! In other words, husbands should be willing to die for their wives! Christ said that the greatest love was when someone was willing to give up their life for their friends. St Paul wrote that we need to make love our aim.

So how do we do this? Marriage teaches us about love every time we have to die to ourselves, and it shows us how to make love our aim. As we grow in love, we grow in perfection, and so come closer to God. So when you have to give up on how you want your house decorated, or to manage your finances, or spend your time- all of these little things are little acts of love which teach us how to love for real. A major part of marriage is not only 'giving in', but actually facing and resolving conflicts- when you are dedicated to loving someone, and they are dedicated to loving you, this is something you will have to learn how to do. This will teach you to love.

Now, most of you are not yet married, and probably don't plan to be for quite some time. However, it is generally agreed that the precursor to marriage is dating, and many of you have probably got thoughts about dating.

Why should two people date?

Clearly for love. Dating, they say, prepares you for marriage, since it teaches you how to love. But does it?

Think about it. Love, I said, entails the ability to sacrifice what you want for what someone else wants. Love is giving yourself for another person. But most dating relationships are not like this. Most people date just because they want to. They like the person, so they might as well date them.

In Marriage you commit to love the person you marry, no matter what. Even if the feelings are gone. That is how it teaches you about love. Because you have to learn how to resolve conflicts, and be humble, and sacrifice what you want. Does Dating teach this?

The problem with dating is that while there is a degree of commitment, if we look at relationships we realize that there are only 2 ways it'll likely end. Either in marriage, or with a break up. Generally people in High School or younger are not dating in order to marry, therefore they actually go into a relationship with the idea that they'll probably break up.

In other words, while in marriage the commitment says "I promise to love you in good times and in bad till death do us part" dating says "I promise to love you until I don't feel like it anymore, and then I'll let you know that it's over." So if a dating couple comes across major conflicts, or if they lose 'that lovin feeling', they figure they ought to break up.

How does this teach a person actual, self forgetful love? It doesn't. In fact, it teaches them the opposite! Because we said love is giving yourself for the other, but whatever this is is taking the other for yourself. Now you can call that lust or infatuation or whatever you like, but at the end of the day it remains unloving and selfish.

Chances are most people would think I was being too hard on dating, after all, people just do it for fun and we shouldn't take ourselves too seriously. Surely frivolous dating is not all bad?

Well, gentlemen, if you love someone, than you should desire to cherish and protect them. But if you date someone knowing full well that you will inevitably break up with them, is that cherishing and protecting them? Or have you become the very thing that they need to be protected from?

When I was in High School, I dated 6 girls between grade 10-11. Most of these relationships were pathetic, and not worth mentioning. The first one lived in Sherwood Park, and though we 'dated' for 5 months, we only saw each other once. The next one I met at a Christmas dance, and I jokingly said "Oh, I see you're under the mistle toe!" I was joking- she was serious- like a squid on my face. I figured that since we had 'french kissed' we might as well start dating. I didn't really like her that much, but figured it was worth a shot. That lasted 2 weeks.

And so it went. One girl asked me out, I said no. But she was really pretty, and she was like 'Oh, c'mon, all it means is that if you get up to go somewhere you give me a kiss goodbye'. That didn't sound to bad, so I agreed! The problem was, the next day she convinced someone else to give her kisses goodbye. Another girl asked me out, and I said no, but then thought "hey, she's cute. At least I can put her picture in my wallet and show off that I'm dating her!" So I changed my mind and said 'yes'. We lasted about 2 weeks before we broke up again. Then I met this other girl at a camp in BC. Her name was Sabrina, and she was from Dawson Creek, and I met her in a place called Malibu, but this was not just some TV show thing! She and I went for a walk in the forest, and started kissing, so I was like 'I guess this means we're dating now" and she was like "yeah, I guess so!"

2 days later she went spelunking with my best friend. Now there's 2 kinds of spelunking- there's the kind where you explore caves- but that's not the kind they tried. The did the one where you go to a beach, and throw a rock into the water, and you kiss until you hear it go "spelunk". Then you do it again, but throw the rock a little further, and kiss until you hear it go 'spelunk". The third time you pretend to throw the rock.

Anyway, she and I broke up, and I finally went "Wait a minute. This is stupid. Why do I keep dating people I don't even care about?" That day, in the summer between grades 11 and 12, I made a commitment that I would not date again until it meant something. In short, until I was capable of loving the girl for her own sake.

I believe that teenagers are theoretically capable of love- but rarely do they sincerely go into relationships in order to love. Rarely do they think of love beyond the emotional sense of the word.

What are some qualities that we look for in women?

Pretty, smart, funny, kind, holy, not superficial, nice smell, soft skin,likes hockey....

What would happen if you met a girl who had all of these qualities, and you fell in love with her?

What if you married her, and then some of these things changed? Maybe you realize that she's not actually funny, just giggling. And maybe she's smart in school, but sometimes she says or does things that are really stupid. Or maybe once married she no longer feels it's important to pluck her eyebrows, and she grows a unibrow... Then what? Do you no longer lover her?

Or, what happens if you meet someone even prettier, smarter, funnier, kinder, holier.... Would you fall in love with her? But you've already committed to the first girl!

Pope JPII actually warned us about the kind of emotional love we can have based in some list of qualities. He says that if that is what our love is based in, than our 'emotional love will turn into emotional hatred' (Love and Responsibility). The reason is, real love for a person can never be "pizza love"- where you love the thing as long as it pleases you and withdraw the love when it no longer does.

A person can never be treated like an object- anytime you objectify a person you are sinning against them. This means you cannot "use" a person. Whether it's slavery or prostitution or getting into a relationship with the idea that it is 'just for fun' and you're mutually using each other- this is sinful!

Each person is unrepeatable- not some list of qualities, and not something you can use. I was once describing a bunch of people to a friend- with each person I would list of qualities as if they defined him. She said "this is interesting- how would you describe me that way?" I discovered that I had known her for too long, and that I couldn't describe her that way, because qualities change and yet she remains herself. Even if all the qualities change, the person remains the same, unrepeatable person created in the image of God and worthy of your love.

Now a lot of people wonder at what age they ought to start dating. First of all, if your parents have instructed you to wait for a certain age, then do so. That would be the obedient and thus virtuous and thus the holy thing to do. However, if your parents have not given you guidelines, here is an equation that I suggest;

First off, a lot of people want to know what kind of age gap is appropriate, Evidently if a 16 year old is dating a 30 year old, that is disturbing. A 26 year old dating a 40 year old is less disturbing, and a 36 year old dating a 50 year old- well, that's probably OK. But the gap has remained the same.

Here is an equation that addresses that; x/2 + 9. 'X' Being the age of the older person.
So that way a 30 year old can date a 24 year old, but no one younger than 24! A 40 year old could date a 29 year old, and a 50 year old could date a 34 year old.

However, suppose you are 14. That means that the youngest person you could date is 16! But the youngest person a 16 year old could date is 17... and so on. In other words, it would be impossible to start dating before you are 18!

I'm only going by that equation- it is not Church teaching, neither is it Clear Water Teaching or even necessarily my own beliefs. If people waited until they were 18 to start dating, I wouldn't even exist!

However, this is my suggestion. Since an emotion based relationship without any real commitment cannot possibly teach you to love, but would in fact teach you the opposite, then wait until you are prepared to make a commitment based relationship where the emotions are a perk. In other words, wait until you are prepared to consider marrying the person- even if this down the line a bit. Wait until you are ready to resolve your conflicts, and to keep loving that person even when you don't feel like it. Do not date for purely selfish reasons.

Lastly, a lot of people date for their own self esteem. They want to feel loved, and to be acknowledged as being attractive enough for someone to want to be with them. And if this doesn't happen they are ashamed.

My fiancee never technically 'dated' anyone before me. She didn't have to. She's very beautiful, and was assured of her own worth without having to look for it in other people. I look back on my own dating relationships, and regret them because, because I wish that I could go to my fiancee and say "I never kissed anyone else, never told anyone else that I loved them...." I feel like those things would have more value had I saved them for someone I really did love and want to commit to.

When some girl dates you, and you let her do those things without meaning them, you are treating her as superficial- and you are treating yourself as superficial! Instead the love you have for her should come from a real commitment- and if that means holding off on the affection and dating until you are ready for that commitment, than do that.