choose your own jungle adventure
This story reads like a 'choose your own adventure', books I loved when I was a kid. It was given as a talk at the OLVC youth Rally. After each choice, find the letters from the choice and go to that section to follow your decision.
1. You have won a once in a lifetime opportunity to experience the African Jungle for yourself, by rolling up the rim. You were flown in a chartered plane to Nairobi, and loaded onto a bus with 60 or so other teenagers, all excited about the opportunity before them. But to your surprise, the bus drops you off at remote camp, far from civilization. Your ipod, chewing gum, and cell phone are all taken away from you. At first you think “What is this, some sort of messed up cult?” but you decide to give it a shot. The Leaders tell you that the camp is training for going out into the Jungle.
This will be no regular Safari. You will not have a zebra looking bus to hide in from the animals. You will actually be sent out into the jungle and have to survive!
You find yourself getting into the camp, and making lots of friends. The last day of the camp, one of the leaders gets up. He is strong, charming and attractive, and very intelligent. A man of character. At 6’2, he towers over most of the teenagers at the camp. He is, of course, an adult, and he proudly ornaments his already strong jawline with a trim goatee and mustache. He wears thick rimmed glasses, which add to his mystique of intelligence, though they sometimes obscure his clear blue eyes. As he stands before you, his muscles rippling under his blue t-shirt with the sacred heart tattoo design on it, you begin to hear the girls around you giggling- undoubtedly because they are so attracted to him. You smile to yourself. You know well that the man is 30 years old, and married to blond bombshell, and even has an adorable baby- the kind that Anne Geddes would gladly mud wrestle with the CEO of Pablum for rights to photograph. But, you figure, some girls are just like that, always giggling and falling in love with celebrities. For you, you are simply in awe of his majesty.
Your leader begins talking, his baritone voice seeming so shake the very rafters of the building you are in. “It’s a jungle out there” he says. “A jungle that must be tamed. You are the alpha team. The ones chosen to go into the jungle and turn it into a garden. This weekend you have the opportunity to be at this camp, where you are safe. You will not be safe out there. We will not be there to protect you. That is why you must learn to protect yourself.”
The man lifts up a dusty backpack. “This is your survival kit. In it you have everything you need to survive the jungle. Don’t worry, we have been doing this for years, and have had few casualties. Relatively speaking. Follow our instructions, and you will survive. Now it’s time to go out there into the jungle. Grab your packs, people. You’re on your own now!”
Choice
A. Accept your intrepid leaders advice and bring a survival kit
B. Ignore your intrepid leaders advice, saying “Whatever, I’m pretty sure I can handle this on my own.”
B. Instead of taking your leaders advice, you stand up, stick your tongue out, and go “You’re not the boss of me!” Grabbing your ipod and forbidden chewing gum, you head out into the Jungle by yourself. Within 27 seconds, you’re lost. The jungle is so thick, you can’t see anything. You know that your dad always said if you were ever lost you should stay where you are. So you sit down and slowly die of starvation and exposure to the elements.
A. You stand and proudly say “Thank you, intrepid leader. You are both noble and incredibly good looking. I accept your kind offer of a survival kit.” Taking a pack, you find a place in the camp where you can go through it’s contents.
Inside you find a shot gun, which you’re very excited about. Also a machete, a mosquito net, a flask of water, a compass, tools for making a fire, and to your delight and surprise, a satellite phone. You feel a strong hand on your shoulder. It’s the intrepid leader. He looks you in the eyes and says “Go west. And keep in touch.”
“Thank you sir.” You say. “You are quite possibly the greatest man I have ever met.”
The man smiles, but says nothing. You realize that above all, it is his humility that you admire. You are sad to leave his company, but excited by the challenge ahead of you. With the gun on your back, and the machete on your belt, you sling the backpack over your shoulder and head for the jungle.
You remember your leaders words, “Go West.” But you have no idea which direction is west.
Choice
A. You spin in circles, 10 times, and wonder idly in the direction that you end up facing.
B. You make an educated guess, based upon which direction the sun set.
C. You see a part of the jungle that has large red flowers in it. It looks like the prettiest part, so you head for it.
D. You consult your compass
A. After spinning in circles, you feel a little dizzy, but confident that you are now certainly going the right way. You stumble into the jungle, go a few steps, and promptly forget which way you were going. “No problem” you think, doing the spin again. After repeating this process 5 or six times, you realize you are hopelessly lost. You have come to a gigantic swamp, which you would rather not cross. You sit on a log to try to figure out what to do next. The log turns out to be a Crocodile, which grabs you by the arm, drags you under water, and spins you under water until you finally die of suffocation. Then it buries you in the mud, to eat you at some later date.
B. You’re pretty smart, and you remember where the sun went down last night, and you know the sun always sets in the west, so you head out that direction. You make good progress, and feel confident that you are going to get where you are going. You choose a mountain that is roughly in the west, and choose to keep moving towards that mountain. You figure once you get there you can pick a new landmark which is roughly west and keep doing the same thing. However, as you head in the direction you’re pretty sure is west, you suddenly find yourself on a cliff, looking down over a huge valley. “Well,” you say to yourself, “This is roughly west, so I’d better climb down!” But as you begin to descend the cliff, the ground gives out under your feet, and you plummet to your death.
C. As you wonder amongst the giant red flowers, you congratulate yourself on making such a good choice. Even if it is not west, it sure is pretty! You take the time to sniff one of the flowers- beautiful. But you discover to your astonishment, that the flower is sniffing you back! You recoil in horror as you realize that every flower you past rotated as you passed it, and was still facing you! Moreover, there are flowers on every side, and they all seem to be sniffing you, and moving in as close as they can, being rooted into the ground. You pull out your machete, and begin swinging wildly. Out of one of the flowers, however, a green vine like thing darts like the tongue of an Ant Eater. It wraps itself around the wrist holding the machete, and sucks you into itself. The red flower closes around you, and you feel it tightening. It quickly gets very dark, hot, and hard to breath. With your one free hand you try to grab your gun, but the plant begins to squeeze you so tight that you cannot move. What starts as a strange tingling sensation is now turning to burning. The plant is emitting some sort of acid onto you. You cannot escape. You are slowly digested alive by the red flower. Your last thought is, “Just because one choice is attractive, that does not mean its right! It may trap you and kill you!” You have a very, very long time to think about this before you die.
D. You pull out your compass, and check to see which direction is west. To your surprise, you discover that west is a couple of degrees off of where you had expected. But you trust your compass. As you begin to head west, you consider that the compass is kind of analogous to life. You may try to guess what the right direction is in life, but without a clear guide, you might be wrong. You utter a little prayer to God, thanking him for the gift of the Catholic Church, which He had created to help us and give us direction. After all, you are so glad that you don’t just have to guess at what is the truth, or what is right. God didn’t want us to guess, he gave us the Church as our compass. And the Church in turn gave us the Bible and the Catechism. In fact, these tools are even on line, and searchable! You know that you will never have to guess at the answer, because you have a compass.
You are not walking long in the jungle, before you find that the plants are growing so close, they are seriously impeding your progress. They are scratchy, and obscuring your vision.
Choice
A. You push on through the Jungle, looking to your compass as a guide, but essentially walking blindly.
B. You grab your Machete, and use it to clear a path before you.
A. You push through the jungle foliage, but suddenly you fall face forward into a wettish mud. You didn’t see it coming! Your head surfaces, and you gasp for breath. It seems that this mud puddle is about shoulder deep. It should be no problem getting out. However, as you begin to try to move, you suddenly realize it is quick sand. Very slowly it is sucking you under, and your struggle against it only makes it worse! Theirs is no escape for you. You die of suffocation.
B. You pull out your Machete, and begin hacking away at the branches in front of you. Soon you are clearing a path, and you can see a few feet ahead of you. Using your compass, you make sure you are going in a straight line. You notice that there is a bit of a clearing directly ahead of you. With your machete, you clear the final branches so you can see what you are looking at. Quicksand! Your intrepid leader had warned you about this! It can look deceptively solid, and yet suck you in. You are grateful for your machete which cleared all of the obstacles in the way so you could see what you are looking at.
As you begin to blaze a trail around the quicksand, you realize that your machete is like your mind. First off, you have to use it. Second, if it’s not sharp, it’s useless. But if it is sharp- it will help you to see clearly where you are going. It could also be used as a weapon, if necessary. In life there are so many competing theories and ideas, which crowd in on you and make it difficult to find your way. A sharp mind is needed to prune these back. And of course, it must be used with the compass. With these two things you can find your way through the jungle!
Eventually you see another clearing ahead. With your machete, you make sure it is safe. It is a plain! You are happy for a bit of a break from the jungle. But now, without the cover of trees, you notice how hot it is! You look at your compass. To go west you will have to cross the plains. It should only take a couple of hours, but the African sun is still high in the sky, and beating down. And you are very thirsty and feeling weak.
Choice
A. You push on, ignoring your thirst.
B. You drink some water from your flask.
A. You continue to walk for quite some time. You know that there is water available to you, but you don’t want it. You’ve got your machete and your compass, you’ll be OK. Sun blazes down. Hot. Dry. The ground swerves before you. Sweat pours down your back, and you wish there was a breeze. You see all kinds of animals in the plain- giraffes, elephants, wildebeests. Vultures. Circling, waiting. You try hard to think of something, but can’t. The ground is dry- you feel it now with your hand. Did you fall? Vultures. The spinning. You’re dizzy. You close your eyes. Only for a moment….
B. You discover that the water in your flask is warm, and tastes dusty- yet it is remarkably refreshing. You feel energized now as you walk across the plain. You keep the water handy, knowing that you will need regular doses of it to keep your energy up. You marvel at all of the wonderful animals in the plain. Giraffes. Wildebeests. Elephants. You see vultures circling nearby- some poor animal must have died out there. You walk on. You find that every time you get tired, just a bit more water reenergizes you to keep going.
“Just like the Sacraments!” you think to yourself, with an uncanny ability to take your life experiences and create an analogy to the faith. “Sacraments are the source of grace you need to keep going, even when life gets hard. Some people try to go a whole year without even getting to Mass, only going at Christmas. That’s gotta be tough. They’re dying spiritually, and all they need is to get back to the sacraments and get recharged. No wonder the Church tells us to get to Mass every week!”
Suddenly, your thoughts are broken. There in front of you is a wildebeest, head down, foam at it’s mouth, stomping at its front hoof. You remember that back at the camp, the leaders had told you about mad cows, but you thought that was just a joke to keep people in bounds. Now there was nothing between you and it but open field, and it was getting ready to charge!
Choice
A. Turn and run, squealing like a school girl.
B. Grab your machete, and prepare to fight to wildebeest.
C. Take your gun and shoot it!
A. You turn and run, hoping to make it all the way back to the jungle. As you go, you let out a high pitched squeal like a school girl. Unbeknownst to you, the sound you make is very similar to the wildebeest mating call! Suddenly the whole heard is excitedly stampeding toward you! Much to your relief, your death comes by trampling, and not some other means.
B. You turn to face the animal. Your machete has served you well in the past- no doubt it will again. As it bears down on you, you jab at it with the blade. However, your blade hits it’s horns, and is knocked out of your hands! The animal knocks you down, and gores you to death with it’s horns.
C. You realize that this situation is out of your hands. You grab your shotgun, take aim, and fire. The animal crumples before you, it’s lifeless body skidding to stop at your feet. You take a moment to catch your breath, and suddenly realize what a fortuitous circumstance this is- wildebeests are made out of meat! You were wondering what you would eat for sinner that night! Already the vultures have noticed the dead animal, and hyenas could be heard with their laughter call to one another, announcing the arrival of dinner.
You know that it is not safe to stay there, so you take your machete and masterfully cut off the animal what will probably be the freshest steak you will ever eat, and leave the carcass to the predators. As you walk away, you think to yourself how wonderful it was that you had a gun. You were powerless on your own to stop this animal, even with your machete. Your gun, you realize, is like prayer. On the one hand it is a tool, but on the other hand it wields a power greater than yourself. Moreover, it can take a bad and even hopeless situation and turn it to the good, as it did by providing you with dinner.
“Prayer is one of the most important tools we have to stay alive in the jungle.” You say to yourself. However you realize that unlike the gun, prayer should not be a last resort, but should be used daily. God gave us the Holy Spirit, an extraordinary power beyond what our minds could understand. It is not enough to rely on our minds and our good resolutions, we need to tap into the power. People should pray every single day. “That way you’ll know how to use your gun when you need it!” You say, patting your beloved shotgun.
By the time you have crossed the plain, the sun is setting. You decide that it would be best to set up camp for the night. There’s a nice flat spot where you can lie down. You’re tired, but you’re also hungry.
Choice
A. Just go to sleep.
B. Eat your steak raw, then go to sleep.
C. Build a fire, cook your steak, eat your steak, then go to sleep, keeping the fire going all night.
A. You’re tired, and the idea of going to all the work to build a fire or even to eat does not appeal to you. You lie down with your head on your bag. It grows dark, and the sounds of the jungle change. Eventually, your eye’s grow heavy, and you’re asleep.
You wake up some time later with the feel of moisture on your face. Rain? It’s warm… you open your eyes to find the face of a grinning hyena staring down at you, drool dripping from his mouth onto yours. He can smell the steak in the pack under your head! He lets out his awful laugh, and you realize that you are surrounded by Hyenas! You are well aware that they are afraid of anything taller than them, but lying on the ground as you are, you are considerably shorter than them! You realize you must get up immediately… but before you can the one that drooled on you pounces, and eats your face.
B. Your tired, your hungry. Rather than going to all the work to build a fire, you decide to just eat your steak and sleep for the night. Your steak is tough and bloody, and still warm. You like rare steak, and besides, you figure the animal wasn’t dead long enough to have salmonella.
What you do not realize, is that unlike mad cow disease, mad wildebeest disease can be killed by cooking your meat. You finish your steak, and find that you are thirsty. You grab your flask, and chug the water, but your thirst cannot be quenched! You discover that your mouth is surrounded by white foam. You begin scratching at the ground, looking desperately for a spring of water. Nothing. You are shaking now, and you hear the idiotic sound of laughter. You have a moment to wonder if you are losing your mind. Then you see the source- a grinning hyena. It laughs again, and you laugh back. It looks at you, crawling and scratching and drooling and foaming, and you look at it, and you realize, you are one and the same. The pack surrounds you now, all grinning and nodding.
Accepted, you live out the rest of your days like a hyena, laughing maniacally and scavenging for carcasses.
C. You know well that fire is a good defense- most animals are afraid of fire.
You know also that cooking meat is generally a good practice before eating it. So, you take out the fire building supplies and get to work. Before long you have a small fire going, and as the night grows colder and darker, are glad for its warmth. Using your machete, you cut some branches and find fallen timber that you can use to keep the fire going. To keep the animals away, you will have to keep the fire burning all night, which means waking up every once in a while to stoke it.
You cook and eat your meat, and it is delicious. You hear something moving, probably smelling the cooked meat, but whatever it is, it does not come into the circle of light cast by the fire. You feel quite secure and glad for the fire. Finally, you settle down to sleep, keeping your gun and machete ready in case you need them. You know that you will have to stoke the fire every 2 hours to keep it burning high enough to keep the animals at bay.
As you drift off, you get thinking about the nature of fire. It’s kind of like zeal, you think. People talk about having the ‘fire of the Holy Spirit’ burning in them, especially after a retreat. They get all built up and excited about God and their faith. But then life goes on, and slowly the fire burns lower and lower- and eventually it goes out. It needs more fuel. Fuel like retreats and youth rally’s and other events that ‘fire you up’ about God. Sometimes too, you will feel to tired to go to all that work, but if you do it, you know that you won’t regret it. The bigger the fire, the more warmth and light it casts. But you gotta keep it going. You might as well plan for it. Just as you plan to get up every few hours to re stoke the fire, so you should plan every few months to stoke your spiritual fire by going on another retreat, and do smaller events in between. Just before falling asleep, you make a resolution to do that.
After a couple of hours you wake up, see the fire is low, throw some more wood on it, and lay down again. The fire keeps the animals away, except for these pesky mosquitoes. They buzz around you, land on you, bite you.
Choice
A. Set up the Mosquito net.
B. Tolerate the Mosquitoes and go back to sleep.
B. You choose to just tolerate the Mosquitoes. After all, this is not a life or death situation, it’s not a big deal. So a few little bugs take a bit of blood, who cares.
But they keep coming, swarming. You ignore them, ignore them, ignore them until finally you can’t sleep. You are itchy all over, and tired and irritable. You throw more wood on the fire to see your bites- you are astonished at what you see! These are not mosquitoes like you find in Canada- this is Africa! Every bite leaves a swollen red lump, the size of a loony! Impossible!
You find yourself feeling weak- could it really be from loss of blood? You decide that you need the mosquito net after all. You fumble with your bag, trying to open the zipper. Your stupid fingers are so bitten, they won’t bend or work properly! You can’t even grab a hold of the zipper! And these things are still biting you, still taking your blood and injecting their poison. They buzz around your head, they are on your neck, your arms, your feet. You swat mercilessly, but there are too many, and you hardly dare to breath lest you inhale them. There’s one on your eye- your eyelid begins to swell shut, so you cannot see. You struggle to protect your left eye, which is clear. Insanity! They are biting at your throat and your nose, and it feels like they are inside of you. Everything itches, and now your breathing passages are swelling. You start running, away from the fire and your gun and your machete and everything that should keep you alive. You eventually collapse, to weak to move. And you die, the victim of mosquitoes.
A. It is a bit of work to set up the mosquito net, propping it up with wood. But it creates a safe haven for you, and allows you to rest. Everyone needs protection, even from little things.
Spiritual life is like that, you realize. There are so many little things that pick at you, try to tear you down. Feed off you, and inject their poison into you, like mosquitoes. TV shows. Music. Websites. Books. Even friends. None of these are all that bad themselves, but slowly, they take your life from you and fill you with poison. Those friends that are always depressed and cynical, mocking your faith. Music that is full of negative messages. One song- no big deal. But over time, they just keep coming, tearing you down. Attacking your faith and your values. If only there was a mosquito net that kept these things away!
But you know that there isn’t one- you’ll always be bombarded by messages. Good thing you have your brain and your compass to help you sort through it all! But as your laying there, thinking about these things, you realize that at the end of the day there are some things that you’re just going to have to cut out. If it tears you down, get rid of it.
You make it through the night, keeping your fire going, safe in your mosquito net. You’re still sleeping in the morning when you hear someone saying “Wake up, sleepy head”.
“Huh, wha… have I been dreaming?” But as you shake the cobwebs from your mind, you realize that you remain even still in the jungle. The voice comes from a big black man, dressed in a loin cloth. He was decorated with red and yellow paint, a necklace of human bones, and another bone through his nose. He carried a spear, from which hung a human skull.
“Good morning” he said. A chorus of voices laughed at your stunned look, and as you look around you realize that there are no fewer than a dozen such men! “We were thinking about having you for breakfast. How does that sound?”
Unsure how to answer, you say “Depends on how you mean….”
More laughter. The pleasant fellow who woke you up smiles and says, “Ah, you are quite astute. Yes, as you suspect, we are cannibals, and intend to eat you.”
“I see” you say, still in your mosquito net. Your hand reaches for your gun. “I think I’d better not then…” but your gun is missing! As you look around again, you realize that one of the men is holding your gun, another your machete.
“Forgive us” the leader says, “we have taken the liberty of disarming you. Now we shall bind you, and hang you from a stick carried between two of us, like a wild boar, as we bring you back to our village.”
The men proceed to do so, and you discover that this mode of travel is quite uncomfortable.
As you travel, your guide describes the area, telling you what the trees are called, the names of the mountains, and the various animals that you see. At one point he says “You are wondering perhaps how it is that we speak English?”
You hadn’t been, but now that he raises the topic you certainly are. “Television” he says proudly. “We Cannibals are pleased to announce that we are progressing with the times.” You are pleased to hear that too, because from your position hanging from a pole carried by a man in very small loin cloth, you hope their fashion sense will soon catch up.
But then you have an idea. “If you are so well informed with modern customs, I am surprised that upon arresting me you did not read me my rights.” You say.
The leader smiles, and says “Of course! How very thoughtless of me. You have a right to remain silent, You have a right to a phone call. Anything you do say can and will be considered a tip as how best to cook you.”
“Thank you.” You say. “I’ll take my right to a phone call please.”
The crowd erupts in laughter, as the leader says “Yes, well, we don’t have very good reception out here, so….”
Choice
A. Mention the fact that you have a satellite phone, and make a call.
B. Decide that it is best to try to fight this on your own.
B. The leader jokingly hands you a banana, saying you can make a phone call on that. You realize that this is your chance for escape! You carefully peel the banana, using only your shoulders and teeth as your hands and feet are bound. Then you take a big bite. Dropping the banana peel carefully in the path of your rear guard, you spit the banana in the face of the leader.
The leader is temporarily blinded, as the rear guard slips on the banana peel, dropping his end of the pole upon which you are bound.
In one fluid motion, you manage to rip the other end of your pole out of your front guards hands, and before anyone has a chance to react, you are upright, still bound hand and foot to the pole. Unfortunately, it is impossible to run. Fortunately, you happen to be the provincial pogo stick champion for 3 years running, and you began madly pogo sticking away from your would be captors. Unfortunately, they still have your gun. They shoot you, in the buttocks, and you collapse in pain. The boil you alive, and inspired by your act of daring, eat you with a nice banana cream paste.
A. “I have a phone in my bag” you inform them.
Your leader stops the procession, calling to the man carrying your bag. “Well,” he says, “we wouldn’t want to seem uncivilized.” Interestingly, nobody laughs at this comment.
They put you down in such a matter that the bottom of the pole you are tied to is stuck into the ground, and you are upright. Placing the phone in your hands, you dial the number of your intrepid leader at the camp. Since your wrists are still bound to the pole, this is difficult to do, and the first time you accidentally dial Donnas Laser Hair Removal, but mercifully the cannibals give you a second call.
Within minutes, you hear the wonderful voice of your intrepid leader at the camp. You make small talk for a bit, get the results of last nights hockey game, then casually mention your predicament. He asks you where you are, and since you don’t know precisely, you ask the cannibals. The leader of the cannibals kindly gives you the precise coordinates, which you pass on to your friend.
All too soon the conversation is over, as the intrepid leader says his kraft dinner is boiling over and he has to go. You hang up the phone, sighing “He’s the most wonderful man I’ve ever met.” The cannibals nod their agreement, and once again you are hoisted onto the shoulders of your two guards, and the procession to the village continues.
Finally, you arrive at the village. Upon arriving, you realize that some of the people there are clothed even more inappropriately than your captors. But as they gather around, discussing who’s job it is to do the cooking, (You offer to do it yourself, but they don’t think you would know how)suddenly they are interrupted by the sound of a helicopter! There is your intrepid camp leader, still in his blue shirt, since unlike most people he does not sweat. He jams the controls of the helicopter so that it stays in one place, drops a rope ladder, and does a series of completely unnecessary acrobatic feats to descend the ladder. As he drops into the middle of the camp, all of the cannibals bow in worship!
You wish you could as well, but you are still tied to your stick.
Your intrepid leader speaks “People of cannibalism. I am not a god. However, if you wish to kiss my hand, I will allow it!” Of course everyone wished to, and that took quite some time.
While this was going on, more of your friends from the camp came into the village from the surrounding jungle. As one of them untied you (all of your guards were in the hand kissing line up), you whispered “How did you find me?”
“Intrepid texted us all.” Your friend answered.
“Wow.” You say to your friends gathered around you, as your rub your sore wrists. “Now I see why the phone is such a great tool to survive in the jungle! I did not go through the training camp by myself, but with all of these friends! Why would I try to survive it on my own? Now I know that just as I need friends to help me survive the jungle, so I need them to help me in my spiritual journey.”
Just then the leader of the cannibals approached you. He was fully dressed now, wearing a brown t-shirt, with blue writing on it that said preach the gospel always, when necessary use words. The man shook your hand and said “Now I know that cannibalism is wrong, and me and my people will all change our ways. Thank you for the witness you have been to us, and for loving and accepting us even though we were sinners.
“You’re welcome” You say.
“We will now go into the jewelry business, selling our wares to gullible tourists at safari sites. But for you, a free gift!” and before you could refuse, he pierced the middle part of your nose, and put a human bone through it.
And you still wear it today.
The End.
1. You have won a once in a lifetime opportunity to experience the African Jungle for yourself, by rolling up the rim. You were flown in a chartered plane to Nairobi, and loaded onto a bus with 60 or so other teenagers, all excited about the opportunity before them. But to your surprise, the bus drops you off at remote camp, far from civilization. Your ipod, chewing gum, and cell phone are all taken away from you. At first you think “What is this, some sort of messed up cult?” but you decide to give it a shot. The Leaders tell you that the camp is training for going out into the Jungle.
This will be no regular Safari. You will not have a zebra looking bus to hide in from the animals. You will actually be sent out into the jungle and have to survive!
You find yourself getting into the camp, and making lots of friends. The last day of the camp, one of the leaders gets up. He is strong, charming and attractive, and very intelligent. A man of character. At 6’2, he towers over most of the teenagers at the camp. He is, of course, an adult, and he proudly ornaments his already strong jawline with a trim goatee and mustache. He wears thick rimmed glasses, which add to his mystique of intelligence, though they sometimes obscure his clear blue eyes. As he stands before you, his muscles rippling under his blue t-shirt with the sacred heart tattoo design on it, you begin to hear the girls around you giggling- undoubtedly because they are so attracted to him. You smile to yourself. You know well that the man is 30 years old, and married to blond bombshell, and even has an adorable baby- the kind that Anne Geddes would gladly mud wrestle with the CEO of Pablum for rights to photograph. But, you figure, some girls are just like that, always giggling and falling in love with celebrities. For you, you are simply in awe of his majesty.
Your leader begins talking, his baritone voice seeming so shake the very rafters of the building you are in. “It’s a jungle out there” he says. “A jungle that must be tamed. You are the alpha team. The ones chosen to go into the jungle and turn it into a garden. This weekend you have the opportunity to be at this camp, where you are safe. You will not be safe out there. We will not be there to protect you. That is why you must learn to protect yourself.”
The man lifts up a dusty backpack. “This is your survival kit. In it you have everything you need to survive the jungle. Don’t worry, we have been doing this for years, and have had few casualties. Relatively speaking. Follow our instructions, and you will survive. Now it’s time to go out there into the jungle. Grab your packs, people. You’re on your own now!”
Choice
A. Accept your intrepid leaders advice and bring a survival kit
B. Ignore your intrepid leaders advice, saying “Whatever, I’m pretty sure I can handle this on my own.”
B. Instead of taking your leaders advice, you stand up, stick your tongue out, and go “You’re not the boss of me!” Grabbing your ipod and forbidden chewing gum, you head out into the Jungle by yourself. Within 27 seconds, you’re lost. The jungle is so thick, you can’t see anything. You know that your dad always said if you were ever lost you should stay where you are. So you sit down and slowly die of starvation and exposure to the elements.
A. You stand and proudly say “Thank you, intrepid leader. You are both noble and incredibly good looking. I accept your kind offer of a survival kit.” Taking a pack, you find a place in the camp where you can go through it’s contents.
Inside you find a shot gun, which you’re very excited about. Also a machete, a mosquito net, a flask of water, a compass, tools for making a fire, and to your delight and surprise, a satellite phone. You feel a strong hand on your shoulder. It’s the intrepid leader. He looks you in the eyes and says “Go west. And keep in touch.”
“Thank you sir.” You say. “You are quite possibly the greatest man I have ever met.”
The man smiles, but says nothing. You realize that above all, it is his humility that you admire. You are sad to leave his company, but excited by the challenge ahead of you. With the gun on your back, and the machete on your belt, you sling the backpack over your shoulder and head for the jungle.
You remember your leaders words, “Go West.” But you have no idea which direction is west.
Choice
A. You spin in circles, 10 times, and wonder idly in the direction that you end up facing.
B. You make an educated guess, based upon which direction the sun set.
C. You see a part of the jungle that has large red flowers in it. It looks like the prettiest part, so you head for it.
D. You consult your compass
A. After spinning in circles, you feel a little dizzy, but confident that you are now certainly going the right way. You stumble into the jungle, go a few steps, and promptly forget which way you were going. “No problem” you think, doing the spin again. After repeating this process 5 or six times, you realize you are hopelessly lost. You have come to a gigantic swamp, which you would rather not cross. You sit on a log to try to figure out what to do next. The log turns out to be a Crocodile, which grabs you by the arm, drags you under water, and spins you under water until you finally die of suffocation. Then it buries you in the mud, to eat you at some later date.
B. You’re pretty smart, and you remember where the sun went down last night, and you know the sun always sets in the west, so you head out that direction. You make good progress, and feel confident that you are going to get where you are going. You choose a mountain that is roughly in the west, and choose to keep moving towards that mountain. You figure once you get there you can pick a new landmark which is roughly west and keep doing the same thing. However, as you head in the direction you’re pretty sure is west, you suddenly find yourself on a cliff, looking down over a huge valley. “Well,” you say to yourself, “This is roughly west, so I’d better climb down!” But as you begin to descend the cliff, the ground gives out under your feet, and you plummet to your death.
C. As you wonder amongst the giant red flowers, you congratulate yourself on making such a good choice. Even if it is not west, it sure is pretty! You take the time to sniff one of the flowers- beautiful. But you discover to your astonishment, that the flower is sniffing you back! You recoil in horror as you realize that every flower you past rotated as you passed it, and was still facing you! Moreover, there are flowers on every side, and they all seem to be sniffing you, and moving in as close as they can, being rooted into the ground. You pull out your machete, and begin swinging wildly. Out of one of the flowers, however, a green vine like thing darts like the tongue of an Ant Eater. It wraps itself around the wrist holding the machete, and sucks you into itself. The red flower closes around you, and you feel it tightening. It quickly gets very dark, hot, and hard to breath. With your one free hand you try to grab your gun, but the plant begins to squeeze you so tight that you cannot move. What starts as a strange tingling sensation is now turning to burning. The plant is emitting some sort of acid onto you. You cannot escape. You are slowly digested alive by the red flower. Your last thought is, “Just because one choice is attractive, that does not mean its right! It may trap you and kill you!” You have a very, very long time to think about this before you die.
D. You pull out your compass, and check to see which direction is west. To your surprise, you discover that west is a couple of degrees off of where you had expected. But you trust your compass. As you begin to head west, you consider that the compass is kind of analogous to life. You may try to guess what the right direction is in life, but without a clear guide, you might be wrong. You utter a little prayer to God, thanking him for the gift of the Catholic Church, which He had created to help us and give us direction. After all, you are so glad that you don’t just have to guess at what is the truth, or what is right. God didn’t want us to guess, he gave us the Church as our compass. And the Church in turn gave us the Bible and the Catechism. In fact, these tools are even on line, and searchable! You know that you will never have to guess at the answer, because you have a compass.
You are not walking long in the jungle, before you find that the plants are growing so close, they are seriously impeding your progress. They are scratchy, and obscuring your vision.
Choice
A. You push on through the Jungle, looking to your compass as a guide, but essentially walking blindly.
B. You grab your Machete, and use it to clear a path before you.
A. You push through the jungle foliage, but suddenly you fall face forward into a wettish mud. You didn’t see it coming! Your head surfaces, and you gasp for breath. It seems that this mud puddle is about shoulder deep. It should be no problem getting out. However, as you begin to try to move, you suddenly realize it is quick sand. Very slowly it is sucking you under, and your struggle against it only makes it worse! Theirs is no escape for you. You die of suffocation.
B. You pull out your Machete, and begin hacking away at the branches in front of you. Soon you are clearing a path, and you can see a few feet ahead of you. Using your compass, you make sure you are going in a straight line. You notice that there is a bit of a clearing directly ahead of you. With your machete, you clear the final branches so you can see what you are looking at. Quicksand! Your intrepid leader had warned you about this! It can look deceptively solid, and yet suck you in. You are grateful for your machete which cleared all of the obstacles in the way so you could see what you are looking at.
As you begin to blaze a trail around the quicksand, you realize that your machete is like your mind. First off, you have to use it. Second, if it’s not sharp, it’s useless. But if it is sharp- it will help you to see clearly where you are going. It could also be used as a weapon, if necessary. In life there are so many competing theories and ideas, which crowd in on you and make it difficult to find your way. A sharp mind is needed to prune these back. And of course, it must be used with the compass. With these two things you can find your way through the jungle!
Eventually you see another clearing ahead. With your machete, you make sure it is safe. It is a plain! You are happy for a bit of a break from the jungle. But now, without the cover of trees, you notice how hot it is! You look at your compass. To go west you will have to cross the plains. It should only take a couple of hours, but the African sun is still high in the sky, and beating down. And you are very thirsty and feeling weak.
Choice
A. You push on, ignoring your thirst.
B. You drink some water from your flask.
A. You continue to walk for quite some time. You know that there is water available to you, but you don’t want it. You’ve got your machete and your compass, you’ll be OK. Sun blazes down. Hot. Dry. The ground swerves before you. Sweat pours down your back, and you wish there was a breeze. You see all kinds of animals in the plain- giraffes, elephants, wildebeests. Vultures. Circling, waiting. You try hard to think of something, but can’t. The ground is dry- you feel it now with your hand. Did you fall? Vultures. The spinning. You’re dizzy. You close your eyes. Only for a moment….
B. You discover that the water in your flask is warm, and tastes dusty- yet it is remarkably refreshing. You feel energized now as you walk across the plain. You keep the water handy, knowing that you will need regular doses of it to keep your energy up. You marvel at all of the wonderful animals in the plain. Giraffes. Wildebeests. Elephants. You see vultures circling nearby- some poor animal must have died out there. You walk on. You find that every time you get tired, just a bit more water reenergizes you to keep going.
“Just like the Sacraments!” you think to yourself, with an uncanny ability to take your life experiences and create an analogy to the faith. “Sacraments are the source of grace you need to keep going, even when life gets hard. Some people try to go a whole year without even getting to Mass, only going at Christmas. That’s gotta be tough. They’re dying spiritually, and all they need is to get back to the sacraments and get recharged. No wonder the Church tells us to get to Mass every week!”
Suddenly, your thoughts are broken. There in front of you is a wildebeest, head down, foam at it’s mouth, stomping at its front hoof. You remember that back at the camp, the leaders had told you about mad cows, but you thought that was just a joke to keep people in bounds. Now there was nothing between you and it but open field, and it was getting ready to charge!
Choice
A. Turn and run, squealing like a school girl.
B. Grab your machete, and prepare to fight to wildebeest.
C. Take your gun and shoot it!
A. You turn and run, hoping to make it all the way back to the jungle. As you go, you let out a high pitched squeal like a school girl. Unbeknownst to you, the sound you make is very similar to the wildebeest mating call! Suddenly the whole heard is excitedly stampeding toward you! Much to your relief, your death comes by trampling, and not some other means.
B. You turn to face the animal. Your machete has served you well in the past- no doubt it will again. As it bears down on you, you jab at it with the blade. However, your blade hits it’s horns, and is knocked out of your hands! The animal knocks you down, and gores you to death with it’s horns.
C. You realize that this situation is out of your hands. You grab your shotgun, take aim, and fire. The animal crumples before you, it’s lifeless body skidding to stop at your feet. You take a moment to catch your breath, and suddenly realize what a fortuitous circumstance this is- wildebeests are made out of meat! You were wondering what you would eat for sinner that night! Already the vultures have noticed the dead animal, and hyenas could be heard with their laughter call to one another, announcing the arrival of dinner.
You know that it is not safe to stay there, so you take your machete and masterfully cut off the animal what will probably be the freshest steak you will ever eat, and leave the carcass to the predators. As you walk away, you think to yourself how wonderful it was that you had a gun. You were powerless on your own to stop this animal, even with your machete. Your gun, you realize, is like prayer. On the one hand it is a tool, but on the other hand it wields a power greater than yourself. Moreover, it can take a bad and even hopeless situation and turn it to the good, as it did by providing you with dinner.
“Prayer is one of the most important tools we have to stay alive in the jungle.” You say to yourself. However you realize that unlike the gun, prayer should not be a last resort, but should be used daily. God gave us the Holy Spirit, an extraordinary power beyond what our minds could understand. It is not enough to rely on our minds and our good resolutions, we need to tap into the power. People should pray every single day. “That way you’ll know how to use your gun when you need it!” You say, patting your beloved shotgun.
By the time you have crossed the plain, the sun is setting. You decide that it would be best to set up camp for the night. There’s a nice flat spot where you can lie down. You’re tired, but you’re also hungry.
Choice
A. Just go to sleep.
B. Eat your steak raw, then go to sleep.
C. Build a fire, cook your steak, eat your steak, then go to sleep, keeping the fire going all night.
A. You’re tired, and the idea of going to all the work to build a fire or even to eat does not appeal to you. You lie down with your head on your bag. It grows dark, and the sounds of the jungle change. Eventually, your eye’s grow heavy, and you’re asleep.
You wake up some time later with the feel of moisture on your face. Rain? It’s warm… you open your eyes to find the face of a grinning hyena staring down at you, drool dripping from his mouth onto yours. He can smell the steak in the pack under your head! He lets out his awful laugh, and you realize that you are surrounded by Hyenas! You are well aware that they are afraid of anything taller than them, but lying on the ground as you are, you are considerably shorter than them! You realize you must get up immediately… but before you can the one that drooled on you pounces, and eats your face.
B. Your tired, your hungry. Rather than going to all the work to build a fire, you decide to just eat your steak and sleep for the night. Your steak is tough and bloody, and still warm. You like rare steak, and besides, you figure the animal wasn’t dead long enough to have salmonella.
What you do not realize, is that unlike mad cow disease, mad wildebeest disease can be killed by cooking your meat. You finish your steak, and find that you are thirsty. You grab your flask, and chug the water, but your thirst cannot be quenched! You discover that your mouth is surrounded by white foam. You begin scratching at the ground, looking desperately for a spring of water. Nothing. You are shaking now, and you hear the idiotic sound of laughter. You have a moment to wonder if you are losing your mind. Then you see the source- a grinning hyena. It laughs again, and you laugh back. It looks at you, crawling and scratching and drooling and foaming, and you look at it, and you realize, you are one and the same. The pack surrounds you now, all grinning and nodding.
Accepted, you live out the rest of your days like a hyena, laughing maniacally and scavenging for carcasses.
C. You know well that fire is a good defense- most animals are afraid of fire.
You know also that cooking meat is generally a good practice before eating it. So, you take out the fire building supplies and get to work. Before long you have a small fire going, and as the night grows colder and darker, are glad for its warmth. Using your machete, you cut some branches and find fallen timber that you can use to keep the fire going. To keep the animals away, you will have to keep the fire burning all night, which means waking up every once in a while to stoke it.
You cook and eat your meat, and it is delicious. You hear something moving, probably smelling the cooked meat, but whatever it is, it does not come into the circle of light cast by the fire. You feel quite secure and glad for the fire. Finally, you settle down to sleep, keeping your gun and machete ready in case you need them. You know that you will have to stoke the fire every 2 hours to keep it burning high enough to keep the animals at bay.
As you drift off, you get thinking about the nature of fire. It’s kind of like zeal, you think. People talk about having the ‘fire of the Holy Spirit’ burning in them, especially after a retreat. They get all built up and excited about God and their faith. But then life goes on, and slowly the fire burns lower and lower- and eventually it goes out. It needs more fuel. Fuel like retreats and youth rally’s and other events that ‘fire you up’ about God. Sometimes too, you will feel to tired to go to all that work, but if you do it, you know that you won’t regret it. The bigger the fire, the more warmth and light it casts. But you gotta keep it going. You might as well plan for it. Just as you plan to get up every few hours to re stoke the fire, so you should plan every few months to stoke your spiritual fire by going on another retreat, and do smaller events in between. Just before falling asleep, you make a resolution to do that.
After a couple of hours you wake up, see the fire is low, throw some more wood on it, and lay down again. The fire keeps the animals away, except for these pesky mosquitoes. They buzz around you, land on you, bite you.
Choice
A. Set up the Mosquito net.
B. Tolerate the Mosquitoes and go back to sleep.
B. You choose to just tolerate the Mosquitoes. After all, this is not a life or death situation, it’s not a big deal. So a few little bugs take a bit of blood, who cares.
But they keep coming, swarming. You ignore them, ignore them, ignore them until finally you can’t sleep. You are itchy all over, and tired and irritable. You throw more wood on the fire to see your bites- you are astonished at what you see! These are not mosquitoes like you find in Canada- this is Africa! Every bite leaves a swollen red lump, the size of a loony! Impossible!
You find yourself feeling weak- could it really be from loss of blood? You decide that you need the mosquito net after all. You fumble with your bag, trying to open the zipper. Your stupid fingers are so bitten, they won’t bend or work properly! You can’t even grab a hold of the zipper! And these things are still biting you, still taking your blood and injecting their poison. They buzz around your head, they are on your neck, your arms, your feet. You swat mercilessly, but there are too many, and you hardly dare to breath lest you inhale them. There’s one on your eye- your eyelid begins to swell shut, so you cannot see. You struggle to protect your left eye, which is clear. Insanity! They are biting at your throat and your nose, and it feels like they are inside of you. Everything itches, and now your breathing passages are swelling. You start running, away from the fire and your gun and your machete and everything that should keep you alive. You eventually collapse, to weak to move. And you die, the victim of mosquitoes.
A. It is a bit of work to set up the mosquito net, propping it up with wood. But it creates a safe haven for you, and allows you to rest. Everyone needs protection, even from little things.
Spiritual life is like that, you realize. There are so many little things that pick at you, try to tear you down. Feed off you, and inject their poison into you, like mosquitoes. TV shows. Music. Websites. Books. Even friends. None of these are all that bad themselves, but slowly, they take your life from you and fill you with poison. Those friends that are always depressed and cynical, mocking your faith. Music that is full of negative messages. One song- no big deal. But over time, they just keep coming, tearing you down. Attacking your faith and your values. If only there was a mosquito net that kept these things away!
But you know that there isn’t one- you’ll always be bombarded by messages. Good thing you have your brain and your compass to help you sort through it all! But as your laying there, thinking about these things, you realize that at the end of the day there are some things that you’re just going to have to cut out. If it tears you down, get rid of it.
You make it through the night, keeping your fire going, safe in your mosquito net. You’re still sleeping in the morning when you hear someone saying “Wake up, sleepy head”.
“Huh, wha… have I been dreaming?” But as you shake the cobwebs from your mind, you realize that you remain even still in the jungle. The voice comes from a big black man, dressed in a loin cloth. He was decorated with red and yellow paint, a necklace of human bones, and another bone through his nose. He carried a spear, from which hung a human skull.
“Good morning” he said. A chorus of voices laughed at your stunned look, and as you look around you realize that there are no fewer than a dozen such men! “We were thinking about having you for breakfast. How does that sound?”
Unsure how to answer, you say “Depends on how you mean….”
More laughter. The pleasant fellow who woke you up smiles and says, “Ah, you are quite astute. Yes, as you suspect, we are cannibals, and intend to eat you.”
“I see” you say, still in your mosquito net. Your hand reaches for your gun. “I think I’d better not then…” but your gun is missing! As you look around again, you realize that one of the men is holding your gun, another your machete.
“Forgive us” the leader says, “we have taken the liberty of disarming you. Now we shall bind you, and hang you from a stick carried between two of us, like a wild boar, as we bring you back to our village.”
The men proceed to do so, and you discover that this mode of travel is quite uncomfortable.
As you travel, your guide describes the area, telling you what the trees are called, the names of the mountains, and the various animals that you see. At one point he says “You are wondering perhaps how it is that we speak English?”
You hadn’t been, but now that he raises the topic you certainly are. “Television” he says proudly. “We Cannibals are pleased to announce that we are progressing with the times.” You are pleased to hear that too, because from your position hanging from a pole carried by a man in very small loin cloth, you hope their fashion sense will soon catch up.
But then you have an idea. “If you are so well informed with modern customs, I am surprised that upon arresting me you did not read me my rights.” You say.
The leader smiles, and says “Of course! How very thoughtless of me. You have a right to remain silent, You have a right to a phone call. Anything you do say can and will be considered a tip as how best to cook you.”
“Thank you.” You say. “I’ll take my right to a phone call please.”
The crowd erupts in laughter, as the leader says “Yes, well, we don’t have very good reception out here, so….”
Choice
A. Mention the fact that you have a satellite phone, and make a call.
B. Decide that it is best to try to fight this on your own.
B. The leader jokingly hands you a banana, saying you can make a phone call on that. You realize that this is your chance for escape! You carefully peel the banana, using only your shoulders and teeth as your hands and feet are bound. Then you take a big bite. Dropping the banana peel carefully in the path of your rear guard, you spit the banana in the face of the leader.
The leader is temporarily blinded, as the rear guard slips on the banana peel, dropping his end of the pole upon which you are bound.
In one fluid motion, you manage to rip the other end of your pole out of your front guards hands, and before anyone has a chance to react, you are upright, still bound hand and foot to the pole. Unfortunately, it is impossible to run. Fortunately, you happen to be the provincial pogo stick champion for 3 years running, and you began madly pogo sticking away from your would be captors. Unfortunately, they still have your gun. They shoot you, in the buttocks, and you collapse in pain. The boil you alive, and inspired by your act of daring, eat you with a nice banana cream paste.
A. “I have a phone in my bag” you inform them.
Your leader stops the procession, calling to the man carrying your bag. “Well,” he says, “we wouldn’t want to seem uncivilized.” Interestingly, nobody laughs at this comment.
They put you down in such a matter that the bottom of the pole you are tied to is stuck into the ground, and you are upright. Placing the phone in your hands, you dial the number of your intrepid leader at the camp. Since your wrists are still bound to the pole, this is difficult to do, and the first time you accidentally dial Donnas Laser Hair Removal, but mercifully the cannibals give you a second call.
Within minutes, you hear the wonderful voice of your intrepid leader at the camp. You make small talk for a bit, get the results of last nights hockey game, then casually mention your predicament. He asks you where you are, and since you don’t know precisely, you ask the cannibals. The leader of the cannibals kindly gives you the precise coordinates, which you pass on to your friend.
All too soon the conversation is over, as the intrepid leader says his kraft dinner is boiling over and he has to go. You hang up the phone, sighing “He’s the most wonderful man I’ve ever met.” The cannibals nod their agreement, and once again you are hoisted onto the shoulders of your two guards, and the procession to the village continues.
Finally, you arrive at the village. Upon arriving, you realize that some of the people there are clothed even more inappropriately than your captors. But as they gather around, discussing who’s job it is to do the cooking, (You offer to do it yourself, but they don’t think you would know how)suddenly they are interrupted by the sound of a helicopter! There is your intrepid camp leader, still in his blue shirt, since unlike most people he does not sweat. He jams the controls of the helicopter so that it stays in one place, drops a rope ladder, and does a series of completely unnecessary acrobatic feats to descend the ladder. As he drops into the middle of the camp, all of the cannibals bow in worship!
You wish you could as well, but you are still tied to your stick.
Your intrepid leader speaks “People of cannibalism. I am not a god. However, if you wish to kiss my hand, I will allow it!” Of course everyone wished to, and that took quite some time.
While this was going on, more of your friends from the camp came into the village from the surrounding jungle. As one of them untied you (all of your guards were in the hand kissing line up), you whispered “How did you find me?”
“Intrepid texted us all.” Your friend answered.
“Wow.” You say to your friends gathered around you, as your rub your sore wrists. “Now I see why the phone is such a great tool to survive in the jungle! I did not go through the training camp by myself, but with all of these friends! Why would I try to survive it on my own? Now I know that just as I need friends to help me survive the jungle, so I need them to help me in my spiritual journey.”
Just then the leader of the cannibals approached you. He was fully dressed now, wearing a brown t-shirt, with blue writing on it that said preach the gospel always, when necessary use words. The man shook your hand and said “Now I know that cannibalism is wrong, and me and my people will all change our ways. Thank you for the witness you have been to us, and for loving and accepting us even though we were sinners.
“You’re welcome” You say.
“We will now go into the jewelry business, selling our wares to gullible tourists at safari sites. But for you, a free gift!” and before you could refuse, he pierced the middle part of your nose, and put a human bone through it.
And you still wear it today.
The End.
posted by Peter van Kampen at 7:14 AM
1 Comments:
very entertaining, funny and creative.
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